Official Documents

It’s been a busy week at my family’s house. We had our Thanksgiving holiday, which was very nice, but for my kids and I we had a more exciting event happen: we legally changed my daughter’s name and gender down at the county courthouse. My daughter is thrilled, I’m thrilled, and we’re one step closer to her living her life fully and authentically. It’s amazing what a difference it makes to get the official documents underway. Big hugs and celebrations all around!

For me, watching my child unfold and blossom into a happier, healthier self has been an incredible ride. Since her gender transition, she is more social, more self-assured, laughs more, and is doing better in school. I simply could not think of a greater way to legitimize how important gender identity is than to experience it in your own home (other than experiencing it for yourself, that is!). We all want our kids to thrive and be happy, and it’s so exciting to me to be surprised by all the ways my kids express themselves. It’s like opening one gift after another. If I tried to tell them how to be themselves, it would feel like worry and control. For them to show me, it’s delightful. To see what lights them up inside and brings them joy brings me joy too, whether or not their tastes are the same or different than mine. I love how they keep surprising me. 

A great example of this was watching my daughter choose her new middle name. It’s a name I never would have thought of, nor one that I would have expected, but the fact that it came from her heart and makes her feel proud of who she is makes it feel like a precious gift. The fact that our relationship allows her to be vulnerable and genuine with me tells me that we’re doing pretty well so far. 

So: back to the official documents. I researched the paperwork beforehand, printed it all out, and went down to the courthouse with a pretty good sense of next steps. As it turned out, they are revamping the paperwork and all the paperwork I had was obsolete. Wouldn’t you know! This could have become a very frustrating moment, but thankfully the people who helped me were friendly and helpful, and actually, the process they had was more streamlined than the previous process. They laid out, step by step, what needed to happen and I was able to take care of all of the official documents in one day. Wow!

I came away with a few hints to pass along. Hopefully these tips are helpful. These tips are true for official documents in Multnomah County here in Oregon, so they won’t necessarily apply elsewhere.

1. Getting your info online is going to be less reliable than talking to a person at the courthouse. I highly recommend getting most of your info from a real, live human. 
2. The process costs $124, so that is an expense to consider.
3. Notification with the other parent could potentially hinder the process. If the other parent is in your child’s life, you either need consent signed by both of you in front of a notary, or the other parent needs to go with you to the courthouse to sign forms together (happily, this was what I was able to do; support from the other parent is a real gift to the process). If there’s no way you’re going to get support from the other parent, this is something you’ll need to show, so I highly recommend talking to a real, live human at the courthouse for advice about this. 
4. In Multnomah County, you do not need a court order to change name and gender markers (and keep in mind that many of these official documents still use the word ‘sex’ to indicate gender. They’ll catch up on the terminology at some point, I hope).
5. SEAL YOUR CHILD’S DOCUMENTS. There is a box to check on a couple of forms, and it is very wise to do this to protect against possible personal rights violations. Your child’s gender is no one else’s business.

There’s a helpful document from The National Center for Transgender Equality that might be helpful to check out. Again, you’ll get the most county-specific information from an in-person conversation with a courthouse employee, but it’s still nice to have a larger overview. I know for my kiddo, the next official documents we’ll be changing will be at her school, her health insurance, her passport, birth certificate, and social security. 

This is a lot, I know. You’re not alone in this: the person who helped me at the courthouse said that I was the sixth parent she had helped that morning with this process. There is a rush to do this work before the next administration steps in, so if you can do this now, you’ll be in good company!

And if you would benefit from support in this, I’m here to help. We can hash out your plans and steps together, talk about any emotions that might be coming up, and address challenges that crop up along the way. Especially if you’re not feeling supported by the other parent (or if you’re in flat-out conflict with the other parent), it’s important to get support. You don’t have to do all of this alone, and there is a way forward. Let’s get you there so that you can breathe a sigh of relief as you watch your kiddo feel proud and happy about who they are.

If seeking support sounds like it would be beneficial for you in this process, please feel free to schedule a complimentary, 20-minute consultation with me to see if we’d be a good fit in working together. My whole goal is to help you feel confident in your efforts to support your child, enhance your relationship with your child, and to help you be your child’s greatest ally. You can also find me at Nurture Life Coaching, if that’s helpful too.

You can both come through this process of official documentation feeling closer, happier, and proud to be who you are!