Happy September, dear readers! In my household, this is a busy time of year, and in many ways seems to be the true launch of the New Year. As I herd my kids out the door each morning for school, I see them rushing toward growth, change, and personal evolution. They’re both champing at the bit for what lies ahead in their life: getting older, the excitement that comes with it, and the freedom to be their own people. I see their impatience and I understand it. The school years are hard! Waiting is hard! As busy as their days are, I think they sometimes feel like they’re in a kind of limbo. Not little kids any more, but not yet adults. This creates restlessness in them, and the words “be patient” can feel really irritating when we don’t feel like being patient.
We as parents/caretakers need a lot of patience, too. Obviously! Every child can test our patience in many ways, and we as adults have to decide how we’re going to respond to that. Sometimes demanding change is needed with kids, but many times our patience needs to manifest with less urgency attached.
Life happens, and it’s often unpleasant. We know this logically, but do we accept it emotionally? What are the messages that run in our heads when we don’t like what’s happening?
“This feels dangerous! Something bad could happen! I need to take action to feel safe again!”
Clearly, there ARE unsafe situations in the world and in those situations we might need to be proactive to protect ourselves and our loved ones. But what about the times when things feel unsafe to us, but they actually aren’t? What if the only danger comes from the narratives we have running in our heads? How can we be patient throughout those situations without acting on our impulses and actually making things worse than they are?
Our mental comfort zones are forged throughout our lives, by our parents, our morals, our religions, our cultures, and a thousand other factors. There are many, many times in life when we have to dwell outside our comfort zones. For me, walking into a crowded party when I don’t know anyone is completely outside my comfort zone. I have a physical reaction of dread and nervousness, I tell myself that I look like a fool, and I come up with little strategies to look more put together than I feel. Basically, I have a low-key fight or flight reaction when I’m in no danger whatsoever. I start to fix a problem that isn’t there!
If having a trans or non-binary child in your life is outside your comfort zone, it’s natural to have a similar type of reaction. It’s what we do when we feel unsafe, or if we feel someone we love is unsafe. We perceive a problem and we want to protect against it. We want to rush to action to ease our fears.
But what if we pause for a minute before we act? What if we employ some patience? If patience means “enduring until something bad changes into something we like,” how can patience help us in this situation?
I have a few proposals for you. First of all, let’s think about a different definition of patience. In many eastern traditions, patience actually isn’t just about enduring discomfort without complaint. Patience is actually a very active process. The difference is, it’s not about actively trying to change the uncomfortable circumstances, it’s about actively changing our relationship to the circumstances. How can we tend to, and better understand, what we’re feeling as we experience discomfort?
To do this, it’s critical to accept the current reality of our circumstances. If something is what it is, it is what it is. Railing against it doesn’t make it become something else. But again, accepting reality isn’t a passive thing! I’m not talking about shrugging and saying “oh well, it is what it is!” Acceptance of a reality that is outside of your comfort zone is a decisive engagement with yourself that requires putting your focus on what’s happening inside of you.
Which brings us to the crux of the point: if being patient is about better understanding what’s in our hearts, we need to engage with what’s in our hearts rather than engage with the external circumstances. What do I mean by this? Here’s a little story as an example…
The clock is ticking in the morning, and your teen is running late for school. He comes down the stairs with seconds to spare and you see that he is wearing something that you absolutely hate. He’s been dressing this way for months now, and you’ve already had more arguments about it than you’d care to remember. Do you (try to) force him to dress differently? Do you patiently endure your discomfort until he outgrows this “phase?” Or do you step away from the situation and tune into what’s happening in your mind and body?
If you choose the latter, you take a moment to tune into your experience. First, you step away from active interaction with the situation and take stock of your internal picture. Assuming your teen won’t get in trouble for what he’s wearing, let him go to school, then when you’re able, tend to yourself with patience.
- Name the discomfort: I’m so sick of this fight with my kid! I think he looks like an terrible!
- Tune in to yourself: What’s happening in my body? Ah, I see that my stomach is in knots. Can I slowly breathe into my stomach? Can I invite softness there?
- Ugh. I’m so restless. I feel like I’m about to fly out of my skin. What can I think of that soothes me? Petting the dog… looking up at a starry sky… breathing…
- Ok, I feel my breath slowing. My shoulders are relaxing. I’ll keep breathing for another minute.
- Now there’s more space and less urgency in my mind. What else is present when the urgency goes away?
- I’m so scared for my child. How will people take him seriously when he dresses like that? What will his teachers think? He just doesn’t seem to care about how the world perceives him and I’m so scared of the consequences he might face.
- I love him and I want him to be safe and respected. I feel this so strongly it hurts.
In this process, the idea is to carry your focus from the thing that is upsetting you to the sense of being upset itself. This is not easy! It’s very tempting to give up these mental efforts, and it’s so much more comfortable to retreat to those familiar thought patterns!
But if your goal is to strengthen your bond with your child or loved one, to offer them true safety and to get to know them better, it’s absolutely worth it to keep this effort up. You love your child. They want to be loved for who they are. They’re telling you who they are (which is an incredible gift!) and now it’s up to you. Do you retreat to the comfortable, familiar thoughts of your own comfort zone, or do you rise to the opportunity of meeting your child in their truth?
Like the external reality that feels uncomfortable, your underlying emotions are here, they’re real, and they need acceptance. Your goals are much, much closer at hand if you can offer yourself and your emotions the caring they deserve.
To find the fear, the sadness, essentially the caring behind the frustration and anger is to tap into the part that needs tending to. Without judgment (and this part is important – no judging, please!) can you investigate those feelings of caring? What’s there? What is tender? What needs your nurturing? Can you be with it, just like you’d be there for a friend in need? You don’t need to fix it or avenge it, you just need to not leave it all alone in its struggles.
If you’re thinking to yourself “this sounds terrible, like it won’t make me feel better at all,” I get it! But until you try it, really try it, it’s difficult to understand how it helps. We shift and grow when we give ourselves compassion, and when this happens, we’re WAY more available to be a grounding presence for those around us. If you’re willing to put real effort into this, you might be surprised at the results.
I invite you to give it a real chance. If it’s not for you, leave it behind!
Of course, like any personal growth, this is easier when we have support and guidance. Happily, this is what I do! If you have questions, wonder how this might work for you, or are simply curious about coaching, please feel free to schedule a complimentary, 20 minute consultation with me. It’s nothing more than a relaxed conversation to ensure that you can make informed choices about possible coaching. I’d love to hear from you!
And if you’d like to read more about patience, please check out my other blog on the Nurture Life Coaching website. I have a lot of thoughts on this topic!
In the meantime, I hope this has been a helpful perspective for you to apply in pretty much any situation in your life. I wish you peace of mind and lots of patience! Be well!
