A while ago my friend’s mom came to town for the first time in many years. For my friend, this created a fair amount of mental preparation, as my friend’s relationship with her mother is, to say the very least, fraught. How was this going to go? Was there going to be tension? Snippy comments? Active fighting? My heart went out to my friend. I know her pain is real and her scars run deep. I also know that her mother has suffered too, and there is a lot of pain on her end as well. We all met up for dinner one night, and I wasn’t sure what I would be walking into, but I did know that I could offer support for all involved by being neutral and attentive to all. We met at the restaurant, I plunked down next to my friend’s mom, and we began chatting like old friends. It was easy for me, and her mom never once said anything that upset me, but I could easily recognize the parts of our conversation that would have felt triggering to my friend. I was very much struck by the difference in our reactions. Why is it so easy to be triggered by our own parents, but when it’s someone else’s mom, it’s just no big deal?
The answer to this question isn’t a mystery. When it’s our own family or parents, we have something important at stake. It costs us something to let a comment slide (or more specifically, it feels like it costs us something). We might have years of hurt and frustration built up, so “laughing something off” might not feel like an option. The little irritations can trigger the biggest hurts, and anyone telling us to “relax and get over it,” can make our blood boil. But when it’s someone else’s mom, it’s way easier to say “oh, that’s just the way she is.”
I firmly believe the answer is yes. It might never feel complete, but with the right understanding and the right support we absolutely can make progress away from active anger. There are, of course, different paths to take to pursue this goal, and there are differences in the severity of the hurts.
And I will reiterate one of the first things I always say: first check your safety levels. If you are in an unsafe situation, remove yourself from it, post-haste. This comes first.
And if your anger is feeling uncontrolled or unhealthy, here’s a brief article from the American Psychological Association that offers a bit of info on that. Obviously, an article can’t fix everything so please make sure this is also something that you give yourself the gift of support around.
But if the situation you’re in is uncomfortable or irritating, this is different from being unsafe. This is where I believe speedier progress can be made. For some people, progress is all about actively confronting the family members who have hurt them. In this situation, it’s not uncommon for people to be looking for something from the other person. An acknowledgement, some validation, and perhaps an apology. This is a perfectly valid path to take, AND it’s important to consider how it might feel if you do not get the acknowledgement, the validation, or the apology.
The other option is to make it more about your internal processing. If the person you need to address isn’t capable of recognizing the legitimacy of your pain, what can you do inside of yourself to not be tormented by that? This kind of work is often deep and multi-layered, and there is no direct, fool-proof path that works for everyone. There is a way to loosen the grip, however, and this is where support can make all the difference. Whether it’s through spiritual practice, therapy, coaching, or a wise friend, it’s hugely supportive to work with someone who can ask the difficult questions, offer a fresh perspective, and (very importantly), validate you in a way that is more than just agreeing with all that you say. There has to be a challenge in this work; afterall, if there’s nothing to rise to, where is the change? This is where working with someone else can really shine.
It might always be easier for some folks to get along with someone else’s mom than their own, but progress can be made with our own families of origin. Let me know if there’s a way I can help you in this process! It’s my job to help people stand tall in understanding their motivations, needs, challenges, and hopes. If it sounds like it might be helpful, let’s do a complimentary, 20 minute consultation so that you can see if working with me might feel beneficial to your situation. Feel free to also check me out at Nurture Life Coaching. Either way, I’m here to help however I can.
Very best wishes to you all!
